Not My Girlfriend

We hear it said a lot at weddings, “I found my best friend of whom I will marry and love the rest of the days of my life”. And the blissful couple kiss and are whisked away in a car to live happily ever after.

And then reality happens. Bills, kids, house projects, moves, job changes, heart changes. And a lot of times we feel like we lose our best friend somewhere in the middle of all that mess. Those long late night conversations don’t happen much anymore and it becomes actual work to try to communicate.

We might start complaining about our husbands to our girlfriends. We might think, “Well, they understand me. Why doesn’t my husband get it?” Because he will never have the mind of a woman!

Our husbands are never going to think like a woman. I told one of my mentors one time that I wish my husband could just look at me and correctly assess my thoughts, needs and feelings. She laughed and told me that even after 45 years of marriage, her husband still could not do that! God did not make them to do this. This is what our girlfriends do.

He can be sweet, sensitive, kind, fun, loving, supportive, a great life partner and friend. But he will never be our girlfriend. He will probably never enjoy the frilly things and notice the relational details like we do.

Once we stop expecting them to understand and respond to us like our girlfriends do, the happier our marriages will be.

I know there are some couples out there who might buck the norm on this but that’s just like anything in life. We can’t generalize except to say God designed men to be men and not women. That simple.

My man is a wonderful husband, father, lover, provider, protector, encourager, partner, and friend.

But He is not my girlfriend.

Intentional Parenting

We all know the baby stage is harder than anyone could ever have prepared us for. But then they get to that one year old stage and they are just so darn adorable, we forget all about the bad stuff and try for another baby! Then they reach the terrible two’s or three’s where there is a lot of no’s and temper tantrums. Once again, we are pulling our hair out as we try to keep our child from breaking, throwing and destroying everything in our home. But then something happens between 3 and 4 years old. They become little people with their own little thoughts that they can express now. And you look at them and wonder, where did they learn that? Or where did they come up with that from?

The real parenting begins. How to train them up in the way they should go, how to shape and mold their little hearts and minds, how to equip them with cognitive thinking abilities to make good decisions on their own without us, how to appropriately socialize them to be able to get along and share and give to others, how to teach them to properly respect authority and how to tame their strong wills without crushing their personalities in the process. This is what my friend termed intentional parenting.

It would be easier to just try to make it through to the time they go to school. Yet, anything in life that is worth doing is worth doing well. And anything in life that is going to make a difference is going to take some good old fashioned hard work. Where we have to dig deep within ourselves and pull out some undiscovered diligence and strength. We can either choose to put our parenting on automatic and coast downhill or we can drive up the mountains on the road of inconvenience.

We have all seen children of various ages acting totally wild and inappropriately and thought, where are their parents? I never want that to be my children. We have also seen kids who exemplify exactly what we want our kids to turn out to be and we think what did their parents do to get their kids to be like that?

I encourage you to go ask those parents. There is no manual and there are no pat answers for each child but there is a lot to be said for wise counsel and advice. Especially if they have had more than one kid, they know each child is different.

There is a young man who is college age and who leads worship at our church and he is awesome. All of us moms at church want our sons to turn out like him. So, I asked his mom what she did. She said she spent a lot of time praying on her knees and spanked him a lot when he was real young.

Both of those things require a lot of extra time, attention, effort and energy. But you know what? I am willing to do it. We have to live with the end goal in mind. Slack off now and pay later or work our booties off now and enjoy the rewards later.

I was made for this. I feel like it is a warzone out there and I am a mother warrior who is going to train up my little brood to stand for everything that is good and godly out there.

It is a choice each mother has to make on a daily basis. If we have kids, we have to parent anyways.

We might as well choose intentional parenting.

In The Trash

As a teenager, I decided to not read any of the fashion or tabloid magazines and especially not waste any money on buying them. The only time I divulged into those pages was when I went to the hair salon for my hair appointment. I would read the People Magazine because my mom taught me that was the only credible one to actually believe and I would flip through the hair magazines. I was always changing my short hair style so I loved getting ideas.

I think this helped me tremendously in life back then and still today. I put enough pressure on myself to look a certain way without staring at perfectly polished and air brushed body images to put in my mind to compare myself to.

Not to mention, the filth they write about it in those fashion magazines leaves me feeling dirty. Occasionally, I have flipped through one while getting my toes done and I feel disgusted afterwards. Like my mind has been corrupted, my spirit assaulted, my heart muddied.

I am probably more sensitive to this stuff because I have not allowed it in for so long. And you know what? Once you start a habit, it’s easy to continue. It is not difficult for me to not pick up those magazines. Even if I think, I just want to see what the style is this season. Then my mind is fixed on everything I don’t have on the Must Have Lists for the season! I can look around the stores to get that information!

The old cliche is so true, garbage in, garbage out. It’s like feeding yourself doughnuts and ice cream every day and wondering why you have so much extra fluff around your waist! So if we feed our mind these unrealistic expectations of how we should look and read the ungodly advice on how our marriages should be doing, it’s a no wonder that we are going to be unhappy with ourselves and our husbands. Or even when we fixate on how a certain movie star looks perfect and says her love life is perfect and has all the money in the world to buy anything she has ever wanted.

It leaves us with a deep sense of dissatisfaction in our lives. It breeds discontentment. It is not what we should be gorging on. We should be filling our minds and hearts with the Word of God. We should be concerned with the things of God and consumed with doing the will of God.

Those magazines represent everything I am not, everything I should not want to be. Why the allure, the attraction, the intrigue? Ahhhh, it’s as old as time.

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”      1 John 2:15-17

Those magazines should be put right where they belong, in the trash.

Cheating My Family

I love to get things done. My husband says I am the most efficient person he has ever met, not thrifty, but efficient. I am very task oriented and I fear that sometimes I can make my family feel like they are something else to be checked off my to do list. Yes, I am a list person. The kind who writes things down after I did them to add them to my list just so I can have the utter satisfaction of crossing it off. I hear there are others of you out there who share in this “disease” with me.

We have the daily chore list that consists of laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands, groceries, etc. And the daily hopeful list of taking a shower, working out, quiet time with God, reading, watching a show, whatever.

Then we have an on- going list of extra projects around the house that need to be done. Things like ordering pictures, putting them in picture albums and changing pictures out to update the frames in the house and at husband’s office, re- organizing the home office and the garage, painting son’s wooden chair, packing away last season’s kids clothes, and you know how it never ends.

But then there are the out of the house commitments that need to be attended to as well. Meet with this girlfriend for coffee to talk, bring this one a meal, pray for that one, go to this women’s bible study and that married bible study, go to that park play date, go to this mother’s group, go to gymnastics class, serve at this volunteer organization, go to ladies nite.

Not to mention my passion right now is blogging. My husband says he has been replaced by a blog. That’s probably not a good sign. (Ahem, trying to do it at naptime by putting off the daily chore list.)

My family deserves the best of me and sometimes they get the leftovers. I give away all my energy to others for other things. Instead, my family needs to be my #1 priority with everything else trailing behind them. Where do they really rank in my agenda and to do lists?

Although the other things are good things, what if I forego everything else in life right now to just focus on them? Get rid of all other responsibilities but to them? Would my life be out of whack and out of balance? Is balance really achievable? Is what I am doing now effective?

In my attempts to help others, serve God and not lose my own sense of self, am I jeopardizing my only opportunity to be the best mom and wife I can be? Will I regret my time loss with them later in life?

I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. But God does. If you have figured it out, please let me know. But I have a feeling it looks different for all of us.

For me, I have had to realize that those extra projects will always be there and it really does not matter if they get done this week or this month or this year! They are not life and death.

I don’t want to be so bored left with nothing to do but ironing (I use Wrinkle Free Downy anyways!) and I don’t want to be so overwhelmed  by too much extra- curricular activities outside of the home. I want to be a whole mom with much to offer my family.

One thing I never want to be accused of is cheating my family out of the mom and wife they deserve.

Tired

Before you have kids, I don’t think anyone can appreciate the true meaning of being tired. How does one really operate on a few hours of broken sleep every day, day after day. I mean I just couldn’t comprehend how anyone could function. Surely, they must be exaggerating.

I consider myself blessed with good sleepers. I followed the Baby Wise principles and both my babies slept through the night pretty early. Which is all relative because everyone has a different definition of sleeping through the night and of what age early is, right? And just because they were good sleepers, does not mean I did not experience the burning sensation behind my eyeballs for months and the total and utter reliance on caffeine to make it through the day.

Now, my kids are 3 and a half yrs old and 21 months old and we all have been sleeping through the night for quite some time except for the occasional cry out in the middle of the night for a blanket or to go to the bathroom.  I say all that to say, how is it I am still tired? Most nights, I get my blessed 8 hours of beauty rest and usually fit in a short 15 min. power nap every day and I am still tired! I have bags under my eyes to prove it.

I heard that you never sleep the same again after you become a parent. I am starting to see why. It is a 24/7 job with little breaks and no paid vacations. It takes all of you, all of your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energy all day, every day. It is draining, demanding and down right dirty at times.

I don’t see any reprieve over the next 18 years or more. I hear the older they get, the later you stay up talking with them or praying for them if they are out for the night. What the heck did I sign up for? A life long sentence of little sleep?

No one can fully warn you about parenthood or else no one would do it. I wouldn’t have believed anyone anyways. To give all of myself away on a daily basis, to lay my life down for them, to live my life for them. To love them with an unconditional, unlimited and uncontrollable love. Starting to sound a little like someone else I know.

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for others.”    1 John 3:16 paraphrased

If being a parent makes me more like Jesus and lets me understand his love that has no limits in a greater capacity, then I will gladly remain this way the rest of my life. Tired.

Bringing My "A" Game

Moms juggle a lot. Especially, when it comes to our family schedules. Whether you have newborns or school age children, it can look like carefully coordinated color coded game pieces on a calendar.

The way we can multi task is a wonder that leaves many a man’s head in complete awe and disbelief when he stops to notice. The balls we keep in the air hanging in perfect balance is really a true trick of the trade to be mastered. Never mind, the times they all come crashing down at once without us catching even one of them.

When I hear my mom friends talk about all they fit in their day, I always think, “You are one amazing woman”. It is true. God made us absolutely incredible.

There are good days and there are bad days, there are easy days and there are hard days, there are fun days and there are terrible days. There are the days we are on top of it all, ahead of the game and there are days we are under it all and behind the ball.

I have found that for me, my day goes much smoother when I get up before the kids get up. This can be a challenge as  I try to fit my shower time, husband time, wrap up chore time, and pleasure reading or TV watching time in all before my bed time. Not to mention, this all has to be done within a short window after the kids go to bed.

I consider myself to be pretty good at putting together an effective schedule that works for our family. I love structure and I thrive on it. But it took a suggestion from one of my mentor moms who said, “Why don’t you put the kids down for their naps earlier?” Therefore, I can put them to bed earlier, have a little more time with hubby, and get to bed earlier so I can get up earlier. Brilliance, I tell you.  Why hadn’t I thought of this before? I immediately tweaked our schedule by about 30-60 minutes all the way around our day and voila, we hit a homerun out of the park.

It still takes some discipline and maneuvering around.  And the hardest part? Making myself go to bed instead of blogging or reading or watching TV.  I am not a night owl nor do I believe in ever getting up at such an ungodly hour of 5 am something in the morning. I highly value my sleep.

But when I get up 30-60 minutes before anyone else in the house and I have my cup of coffee or hot tea (depending on what kick I am on), read my Bible, have a talk with Jesus, get dressed and put my make-up on. It makes a world of difference in how my day goes from that time on. I am not stressed or racing around or snapping at my kids to hurry up. I actually can enjoy the morning with my family. There is something calm and almost holy about the wee hours of the morning. There is a serene beauty to behold as the sun rises over the horizon. It just sets my whole mind and being at peace.

This doesn’t happen every single morning but when I do, I know I am bringing my “A” game to the day.

Where There is A Mom, There Is A Mission

Every mom probably has something different that they feel passionate about. Some lesson to be passed down to the next generation. Some way they want to impact their children to contribute to make a better society. Something they think might be a dying practice in our day and age. Maybe it is an appreciation for history or art, or the gift of hospitality, or how to care for the elderly or the homeless, or the knowledge of different cultures, or how to garden, cook and sew, or the importance of making healthy eating choices or how to use proper manners and etiquette. The great thing about mothering alongside other moms is that we can all glean and pick up valuable lessons from each other. One of my missions is to teach my children the value of rest and sleep in this busy rat race we live in but that is for a different blog. We probably have a few missions motivating our mothering. 

The mission I want to share about today is to teach my kids the importance of alone and quiet time. Away from all the hustle and bustle and how to turn off the technology that is vying for our attention 24/7. This is probably because I myself am an introvert and get energized from my time away from people and all the clamoring noise that goes along with being connected or plugged in through technology.

We have limited TV time and very little to no computer game time a day, we even monitor our music time. We spend the majority of our day with none of that on. I also taught my kids to have alone time in their beds after they wake up in the morning and at naptime. I started that when they were babies. My oldest has pretty much stopped taking naps so she has alone play time in her room for an hour and then in the play room for an hour while my son sleeps (I hear this depends on the personality of your child). But it allows me my much needed mommy time each afternoon. Eventually I want to teach them how to read and pray during their own alone times with God and I have already built this time allotment into their schedule for it. It is a wonderful gift to give our kids in teaching them how to create space and margins in their life.

In the car, we don’t watch movies but we do listen to music. I want to provide my kids the opportunity to learn how to look out the window and think and imagine and daydream. We also do not use any kind of DVD players, phones or Ipad devices while at restaurants or other places. I want my kids to know how to be able to sit at a table and act appropriately and have eye contact and conversations with real live people. (Not that they do any of this right now!) And we try to not watch TV during any meal times at home as well. Yes, this can make my husband and my life more difficult at times. It is not easy or convenient. But it is a good habit that will be in place for later. We have to live with the end goal in mind.

I don’t want to cease and desist all technology ever but I do want to allow time for my kids to be ok with none of that, to not depend on it, to not be attached or addicted to it. I want them to create their own stories and dramas and games and heroes and villians. I want them to read books that you actually hold and turn the pages and feel.  I want them to live in the tangible world instead of cyberspace. I don’t want to handicap my children but help them develop adequate skills that will last a lifetime.

I went on a date the other week with my husband and there were two families having dinner together, adults at one table and kids at another. Instead of laughing and joking and horsing around, the 4 kids who looked to be about 9-11 years old were all holding some sort of device in their hands lost in no man’s land. I know I am going to be swimming upstream and climbing an uphill battle as my kids get older. But a mother can hope and try.

For where there is a mom, there is a mission.