Understanding Love

For some Moms, they are head over heels in love for their teeny tiny babies the moment they pop them out and take their first breath. For some Moms, it happens the first week when they open their eyes long enough to gaze into their mother’s heart. For some, it happens the first month after all the traumatic experience of birthing the bundle is over and done with. And then there are Moms like me. It took me months to feel bonded to my little precious sunshines. And I didn’t even have postpartum depression! I mean I knew I loved them in my head and my 2^nd one happened quicker for me than my first. But I am talking about that overwhelming sense of wanting to give my life for these kids. Knowing I would die in their place. Knowing my heart couldn’t live without them. Knowing I get to experience unexplainable joy watching them grow.

Thankfully, I had read in some book somewhere that it takes each mother a different amount of time to bond with their new babies. So, I didn’t freak out about it. And nobody could probably tell by observing me with my babies. I think my husband bonded quicker than I did! He held our baby girl fresh out of the womb all covered in that white stuff and announced, “I am a changed man!” He is not an emotional person so this was a big statement for him. He then continued to tell all of his friends and family members that upon his first conversations with them after her birth.

I, on the other hand, could hardly keep my eyes open due to all the drugs from an emergency c-section. I am surprised I could nurse but by husband and mother held her up to me and that child latched the first time and never had a problem. I just wondered how I was going to continue nursing when I got home and did not have four extra hands to help me. Oh, the funny thoughts of first time parenting. They are so ridiculous but so real at the time.

Although I hate the no sleep, no showers, and no extra time because of the relentless feedings, laundry, poop, throw up and messes to attend too. Those new born days are full of such sweet memories for both of my babies. There is just nothing in life that compares to it. There is a short time of pure euphoria when everything seems brighter, kinder and more alive than ever before. When the whole world stops and nothing else matters except for your little family unit. Where it doesn’t matter what wars, floods, and hurricanes are going on. All that matters is the love that is shared between a woman, man and child. A new Mom, Dad and Baby make a family and it is such a beautiful thing to behold.

The Lord is always giving us a picture and glimpse into His love for us in so many ways. But the love between a parent and child is the utmost, highest and most pure form of love we can find here on earth. The Heavenly Father God gave us His Son, Jesus Christ, to be tortured and die in our place. It is hard to comprehend that kind of love. I would not give my son up for anyone or anything in this world.  And I also would not hesitate to throw myself in front of a speeding bus to save my child. Now that I have children, I can better grasp the expense of the blood that was shed for me.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to understand Your love for me better by allowing me to experience my own love for my children.

How Would Jesus Age?

Ok, so my skin has majorly changed. I think it is probably the biggest tell tell way to know someone is getting older. I mean there is age spots, sun spots, loose spots, flabby spots, saggy spots, dark spots, sunken in spots, wrinkled spots, and stretch marks. This is what they mean by gravity!!! I work out and try to eat right most of the time and there is no more baby weight to lose but still, I am highly disappointed. My stomach will never be the same, my boobs look like shriveled up raisins and the back of my arms above my bra area is not ever going to be tight again. I won’t even get started on my sagging, flat butt and the wrinkles in my forehead. The most surprising to me, is all the fine lines in my lips and around my lips. What the heck???

I realize all of these things can be fixed with surgery. But seriously, that would be way too many surgeries for my taste. What’s next? I am sure they will probably start doing plastic surgery around your knee caps and elbows because that skin gets saggy too you know.

Never before have I realized how plastic the Hollywood Stars look. Literally, they look like Barbie and they move like Barbie too if you know what I mean. They must get a surgery with their lips and cheeks plastered into a permanent smile. Oh ya, I forgot about the teeth. They get those whitened too. And their eyelids are really actually pinned up. I just can’t imagine letting a knife go into my face by choice. And I wonder what we will find out about the long term effects of botulism shot up into our bloodstream continually. (Not saying that I have not contemplated trying some of these things in the future.)

What ever happened to aging with grace? Why do we worship youth? Why aren’t we more happy, satisfied and content as we grow older? Hmmmm. I do not know. Just thought I would ask. But I do have a hypothesis.

Maybe it is our whole way of life. If we were consumed with finding our next meal and having a roof over our heads, my guess is we wouldn’t be so worried about the way in which we age. We have too much. Too much time, too much money, too much Hollywood, too much food, too many clothes, too much of everything.

We have everything we need and yet we are ungrateful, sitting around complaining about our aging skin. What is wrong with us? Is it going to take a war, famine or Jesus coming back to change our ways?

Instead of pondering what the heck happened to my skin, I am going to try to use my time, energy and resources to put my faith into action and get off my flat booty and go serve someone else who needs the basic necessities of life like food, water, shelter and clothing. Maybe if I was preoccupied with the eternal instead of the external than I would not have time for all the things that really don’t matter.

That is my personal opinion in how Jesus would probably age.

How long will it take?

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”  Genesis 2:24

In perfect harmony and unity. But how long exactly does this take after you get married? How many months or years does it take to really feel like you are one? To put aside your former lives and families and become one unit.

My husband and I come from opposite sides of the United States of America. It’s a mystery and wonder to me how God brought us together across 3000 miles. God answered our prayers that we had prayed for each other for many years before we ever met. I feel like the Heavens opened up and the Angels sang ‘Hallelulia’ as we said our vows in front of 200 people. It was a beautiful day of celebration.

We have similar families and upbringings and share a common faith which is all very helpful. We were in our late 20’s when we got married and there was a lot of separate living we had done before.  We were getting a little set in our ways and had to learn real quick the meaning of compromise.

We had to keep reaching agreements and mutual understandings as we dug our way through the tunnels of oneness. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for couples who are from different countries or different decades in their age difference.

There is a lot of communication, unselfishness and commitment to make a successful union happen. We had many midnight conversations about the same things over and over again. Many times, we felt like we were speaking different  languages. Was it ever going to get easier?

Lots of prayer, tears and hard work were invested. It is a challenge for our flesh to become one with another flesh. Seriously, the painful tearing and ripping away of the old and the plowing and planting for the new life together is very time consuming . It seems so exciting before the marriage actually begins but then it becomes so tedious and exhausting once the marriage is under way.

Something happened for us around our 4^th year.  Something clicked and the tides changed and we started making a lot of upward progress. So much so that by our 5^th year, it was in full swing. The buds were blossoming and spring had come to our relationship. We felt knit together in our hearts, souls, minds, and bodies. Now we just celebrated 6 years and things are getting better than ever. I feel like we are starting to understand the inner depths of each other like no one else ever will get the opportunity too.

 But that is only because we are both committed to continuing this journey no matter what mountains we have to climb. Come hell or high water, we are in this together.

There is no better feeling than being one with your spouse but no one can ever tell you how long it will take.

Stop Judging

Women in general are so guilty of this sin. I guess we are born with this in us and we will live our whole lives trying to overcome it. But as moms, we even become more engrossed in this innate nature. It’s like the beast comes out bigger and uglier than ever before. We judge each other for the differences in which we choose to raise our kids from the start. Whether it is attachment parenting, cloth diapering, nursing, letting a baby cry it out or organic eating. Then it turns into things like preschool, home schooling, over- night sleep overs, birthday parties, fast food and TV watching. (That’s all I know so far, I only have a three and a half year old!) I am sure there are many more matters to come on which we can find to judge each other on.

As one mom to another, why do we do this to each other? We are all trying to do the best for our kids with the resources we have available. We are all trying to make intelligent and intuitive decisions for our families and our households.  We do not live in a one size shoe fits all society.  We have different needs and desires, different strengths and weaknesses, different methods and ideas. We have different preferences in how we spend our money, where we go and how we spend our time. We have different family dynamics and that affects most all of our decisions.

More than anything, we need each other. We can learn so much from one another. Why don’t we just appreciate each other’s differences and live in peace! No, instead we get our tail feathers all in a tether and start going around squawking to other mother hens about all that one peacock is doing wrong. That gets us stuck in the muck of gossip. The thick mud of talking bad about others behind their backs and it’s hard to venture out of it once our feet step into it.

At this point in life, my personal philosophy is to steer clear of those who are talking about others and sharing other people’s personal information. Because I know my head will be next on the chopping block once I am out of ear shot. Some things never change from high school.

Take for instance, this blog. Someone could read it and get all offended and go talk smack about me. I realize that is a risk I take. But if they knew the motive and intent of my heart, someone might think twice. I don’t want to judge anyone who parents differently than me. I share my own experiences, opinions, thoughts and insights simply because it is My Blog. That does not mean that anyone who differs from me is wrong. I do not view myself as perfect or my ways as the only way to do things.

Let’s dig deeper to the core of this issue. Isn’t it true that some of our offenses or judgments actually stem from a sense of insecurity within ourselves? Feeling like we don’t measure up or don’t quite make it up to the successful status on the mom-o-meter we make up in our own heads. But if we are secure enough in our own skin and in our own choices for our kids, then we don’t have to feel threatened even if someone comes up to our face to tell us we are wrong. That is their problem and their opinion.

I think about the people I enjoy being around the most.  I like to choose friends who are full of grace and wisdom. I like to know that I am safe around them. I like to be confident that my name is treated with respect when I am not around instead of drug through the mud. I like to know they are not bashing me, my husband, and my child rearing skills behind my back. I like to learn from them and feel like I have something to offer them as well. I like to be challenged to grow in my faith, belief and ways of thinking.

It would be nice if everyone in the world would think exactly the way we do and share our exact same philosophy on life but obviously God did not make it this way. And my guess is, He probably has a pretty good reason for that.

Just maybe one of those reasons is to help us to learn how to stop judging each other!

Kindness

When I do my 3 yr old daughter’s hair in the morning, she sits on the counter in the bathroom and looks into the mirror. I tell her how beautiful she is and how beautiful her hair is. This is because she has a lot more hair than I ever had even at 5 or 6 years old! But then I ask her, “What is the prettiest thing about you?” and her learned response is, “Jesus in my heart.”

Now let’s rewind to when I first got married. I was an eager wife trying to please her new husband. I would ask him what is the one thing he desired out of me and he would answer, “Kindness”. Well, I just thought this was absurd so I tried a lot of other things. Being sexy, cooking good meals, cleaning the house, buying him presents, etc. Which he liked all those things but when I would ask him again what is the one thing he wanted out of me more than anything else, he would respond, “Kindness”.

It took me a few years to believe him. And then it took me another couple of years to figure out exactly what that meant and how to go about doing it. It’s hardest to be kind to the people you live with day in and day out. To use manners and prefer one another over each other even when you are tired. My husband is good about this. He says excuse me in the kitchen when he needs to get past me instead of bumping me out of his way. He asks if I would like to have the last piece of pizza in the box. My guess is, he was raised like this and had a good example at home. Thank you to my mother and father in law for modeling this at home.

But more than that, my husband desires kindness from my heart and words. He wants me to talk to him with sweet words and a kind tone. He wants me to express that my heart’s desire is to see him succeed and encourage him to do so in every area of life with faith, work, home and health. When I am acting and speaking from a kind heart towards him, he looks at me and smiles. It makes me irrisistably beautiful and attractive to him. He also wants to hear me speak kindly about others and treat other’s with kindness. This makes him very proud to call me his wife.

But how can we muster up some more kindess in our lives? Jesus in my heart. It is one of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5 that we need to grow in if we are in a relationship with Christ. It is what marks a life different than another. By our words and actions we will be known. It might take me a lifetime to work on but I want kindness to be what my family thinks of when they think of me.

“What is desired in a (wo)man is kindness.” Proverbs 19:22a

Not Mine

I remember having lengthy discussions with my girlfriends while I was pregnant about what kind of parenting style I was going to subscribe to and put into practice. Some ideologies have been shot to you know where but surprisingly, I still think the same way about my goals with my children.

I realize they are going to be different than me. They are going to have different likes and dislikes, different opinions and thoughts than me, they are going to have different gifts and abilities, they are going to have different life long dreams and desires than me.

Although I want them to look to me for guidance and direction during their early formative years, I want to raise them to be separate and independent of me, perfectly capable of making their own good choices on their own accord. I want to prepare myself that they might not always make the choices I want them to. And I don’t want to try to control or manipulate them to just appease me and my will for them.

I want to be able to practice tough love even if that means the hard stuff like letting them make their own mistakes while I have to stand by and let them face the natural consequences life brings them. Unfortunately, that’s how our human nature has to learn a lot of the time.

I don’t want to shield them from heartache, disappointment, difficult people, unfairness, criticism and failure. I want them to learn how to deal with these real life situations all while under our wings of love, comfort and encouragement.

I will always be their biggest cheerleader but I also want to be well equipped in being able to help challenge them in their weaknesses and help them to grow in the areas that need it.

I want to create a relationship with them where they come back home for support and wisdom. I want to put myself in a position where I am the first person they run back to for a hug and word of approval. This does not mean I want to be their friend and not their parent. I will always have 30 more years of life experience on my side and that probably means I will have to keep my mouth shut until they ask my advice which might take 30 years of life experience for them!

From the time they take their first steps, they start walking away from us. The letting go process begins. I want to wean myself away from them with each year that passes so that by the time they are 18, they are well ready to be launched out into the world apart from me. They will probably still need some distant words of guidance through college but they are legal adults and responsible for their own decisions and life.

My prayer is that my kids will grow up to love the Lord their God with all their heart, serve Him with all their mind, and honor Him with all their might. But this is between them and God, it is not my choice.

My ultimate goal is to raise kids that are well adjusted, capable and wise who are a productive part of society and apply themselves towards their own goals, not mine.

Friends

This was my all-time favorite show during Bible College Days. We would have a “Friends” Watching Party every Thursday night with all of my room- mates and our guy friends. There were 4 of us girls and 3 guys. We thought we were like the cast of “Friends”.  We would even watch reruns twice a day as well. Pretty pathetic I know but it provided many laughs and inside jokes amongst us. We were having so much fun together but then two of the guys in our possy got in a huge fight and it ruined everything. In fact, things never went back to being the same again. We were all sad and grieved our way over it.

That seems to happen a lot in life. We have a list of ex-friends aka “frenemies” that we part ways with over one thing or another.  Some friends we just have for a season until one of us moves away. Personally, I have grieved the loss of a few friends in my life.   I had a really hard time letting them go whether it was due to my decision or theirs. Looking back, I can really see God’s hand in all of it. I believe He decided to take some of those friends out of my life for a reason. Some of them were not beneficial to my personal growth or to the health of my marriage.

I have also learned to listen to my husband’s insights on girlfriends. He is a very good judge of character and sure enough, the ones he warned me about are the ones I am not friends with anymore.

The perception might be that I have a lot of friends because I know a lot of people specifically at church. But this would be a falsehood. I am very selective about who I let into my inner circle especially as a mom and wife. It’s funny how your friends change based on your children’s ages. I have different criteria now. They have to be like minded in the ways of the Lord, have good council, a healthy perspective on life in general, known for their character and that their word means something, not be a gossip, hypocrite or husband basher.

This does not mean they have to be exactly like me .In fact, true friendship means you are free to have different opinions, views and ways of doing things. We can learn a lot from each other and appreciate our differences. My best friend from back home and I always laugh at ourselves. We are so different! She wears things I would never be caught dead in and visa versa! She posted on facebook not long ago this fabric that she is obsessed with doing her living room in. I told her that I thought it was the ugliest thing I have ever seen! We had a good laugh about it.

With good friends, you can work through hard stuff even though there might be ebbs and flows to the relationship. A true friendship stands the test of time and is honest even though it might sting a little. They challenge us to grow in the areas that we are lacking and are patient in helping us with things that are their strengths. I am thankful for the ones I have in my life like that, they are such a blessing.

“He who walks with the wise will grow wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

We need to be careful of the friends we choose because our reputation will be known by the people we associate with. It is true for kids and adults the same.

Unfortunately, I have been bitten in the butt for sharing too much personal information and I have paid a price. I can never get those words back. The older I get, the wiser I get. For instance, like this blog. I would love to share with candor all of my weaknesses, failures, shortcomings and flaws. All of my deepest heartaches, sorrows, trials and tribulations. But that would not be wise to put out there for anyone and everyone who does not know me to read.  That kind of stuff I will save for the select few that I can trust who have my best interest at heart.

I wish life could be like a TV show, full of funny jokes and all of our problems solved in a half hour but reality is not like that. 

In our lifetime, there will be a few precious things to collect along our journey and friends would be one of them.